Loving Callie!

M: "Callie, do you know how much I love you?!"

CG: "No"... Grinning

M: "you don't????!"

CG: "no... That means I'm reallllllly special!!"

This this peanut. 

New Milk - God Bless You

Cole: "Mom, can I have some milk?!"

Me: "sure!  I got you a new milk, I'm hoping it's good!"

Cole: "what kind is it?!"

Me: "it's cashew milk... Kinda like almond, but cashew"

Cole: "why, because it makes you sneeze??!"

Me: "hahahahahaa.  Not 'achoo', cashew... Just taste it!"

Pretty sure I'm still chuckling about this. 

So far, no good.

The letter was sent 5/31/15... While in a ballsy mood, on my trip from Jacksonville to Charlotte.  It went unread. 

I friend requested her on 6/2/15, and sent the letter again the same day.  My thinking was maybe there was a block on non-friends sending messages.

I waited.  And, waited.  Everyone else waited too, just to see if I would hear anything.  Nothing, still unread. 

Sassy and I did some continued searching of profiles, and found her BFF... Sue.

After much thought and discussion, reaching out to the BFF as a new path of communication was decided and agreed upon.  Based upon location and bravery, Sassy agreed and volunteered to reach out to her.  Found her number and made the call on 6/10/15.  I'm only privy to the one side of the conversation I was told about, but though it started a bit hostile ended with an understanding on the BFF's side.  She was going to "call her BFF, and tell her she was a grandma."  

And, here we are.  My friend request was denied the following morning, and I've heard nothing more.  I sent the letter one more time on 6/11/15 to make sure that if there had been any changes, it was available to her. 

I've now done my part.  Ball is in their court, though I believe their court might not be anything I ever want my children on.

4 year old answers.

WITHOUT ANY prompting, ask your child these questions and write down EXACTLY what they say. It is a great way to find out what they really think. When you re-post put your Child's age.

Callie, 4:
1. What is something mom always says to you?
Yes
2. What makes mom happy?

By listening3. What makes mom sad?

Bad4. What was your mom like as a child?
Happy
5. What is her favorite thing to do?
Visiting her friends
6. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Works
7. What is your mom really good at?
Golf
8. What is your mom not very good at?
Drawing pictures
9. What does your mom do for a job?
Work
10.What is your mom's favorite food?
Mac & Cheese, and salad
11.What makes you proud of your mom?
Listening
12. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because I'm 4.

Cole, 4:
1. What is something mom always says to you?
You're in trouble
2. What makes mom happy?

Eat all our dinner3. What makes mom sad?

That we don't listen4. What was your mom like as a child?
Funny
5. What is her favorite thing to do?
Work
6. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Go out with friends
7. What is your mom really good at?
Not coloring, work
8. What is your mom not very good at?
Coloring
9. What does your mom do for a job?
Works
10.What is your mom's favorite food?
Chicken salad sandwiches
11.What makes you proud of your mom?
Listening
12. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because we're the greatest kids. 

What does the letter look like?! Well... This.

Hi, my name is Erica and I am the mother of Jake's children.  You have 4 year old twin grandchildren.  I don't know if Jake has ever shared with you, but he fathered a set of twins in February 2011. He was as informed as he wanted to be, however he opted out of all participation. He wasn't ready to be a father, I believe is how he said it, saying in the same text that he knew they would have a great mom.  And, they do.

I've thought about this letter since before I gave birth, not knowing whether or not you knew or if it was my place to tell you.  However, as of late, I am feeling more and more that if my son were to father children and didn't want to be involved in their life, I would at least want to be given the option.  So, here it is.

Callie Grace Bryan and Cole Jennings Bryan were born February 2, 2011.  They have my last name.  Callie was 5lbs 9oz, and Cole was 6lbs 12ozs.  They were healthy from day one.  They are the happiest, smartest, kindest children I've ever met.  They are the most beautiful kids I've ever laid eyes on.  They look so much like me, both of them, but the resemblance to Jake, and the one picture of you that I've seen is uncanny.  They look like you both.

I'm not reaching out to you because I want anything.  I do not need anything from you.  Callie and Cole do not want for or need anything - they truly do not know they are missing anything at this age.  The support we have from my family has been more than I could have ever asked for.

However, I'm reaching out as an opening.  The day will come when they will ask about Jake.  I have no intentions of lying to them, but I also do not want them to resent me because I never tried.  They are going to have questions about your family that I cannot answer, and honestly, I'd prefer they don't show up on your doorstep at the age of 16 being unknown.

Where I struggle is that I will NEVER force them into anyone's life that cannot, or does not love them unconditionally.  This is why I've never forced the issue with Jake.  I spoke to Jake in October 2011, they were 9 months old, or so.  We spoke about paternity and child support and all he had were excuses - the conversation was cordial.  He didn't have a job at the time, had hurt his back or something.  He was living at home with you and your husband at the time.  He didn't once ask about them or their well being.  At that moment I decided to let the issue rest.  There was no need to put them or myself through the task of forcing Jake to care about something he was not capable of caring for.

I don't know if you all still live in North Carolina, or if you've moved back to New Hampshire.  I have no intentions of tracking you, or Jake, down - but, am allowing you to reach out to me if you're interested after what I've shared.

The last 4 years have been the hardest of my life, and this letter has been harder than all 4 of those combined.  Callie and Cole are the best things that have ever happened to me, I'm thankful everyday for them.

WebMD and Black Elbows

You know you have a problem with self diagnosis when you're getting ready for bed and you notice the black elbows.  
My elbows are black.  
I wash them with soap and water.  
Still black.  
Make my bed, fold my laundry, go in to brush my teeth and stare at the black elbows.  
Yesterday's event pour through my head.  
Today's event go through my head.  
Nothing.  
No planking.  
No elbow use at all.  
As I'm finishing brushing my teeth, I know I need to look at WebMD to determine what causes black elbows.  
Hopefully it's just a side effect of something.  Not a precursor to my doom.  
Finish in the bathroom, begin the long trek to pick up my phone and determine what is wrong with me....  
Lucky for me the lightbulb went off.   I wore a black sweater today.  A new black sweater.  My elbows are died black.  
Lucky for you, I'm not dying from black elbows!!!  You have lots more time with me.